This is, for the time being at least, an anonymous blog.
Here are some things are not entirely true: My name is Eve and I am 36 years old. I am British but I live in Scandinavia with my Spanish husband and our two children.
And here are some things that are: I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. I am weighing up the self-diagnoses of alcoholism, candida and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Over the years I have tried to manage my distress with a dysfunctional and totally inefficient repertoire of behaviours characterised primarily by avoidance. Which is of course very human.
For most of my life, I accepted the medical model of depression, gave up responsibility and crossed my fingers, sending down pills with ever increasing amounts of alcohol. I have tried over 20 different anti-depressants, as well as a colourful selection of anti-anxiety drugs, benzodiazepines, anti-psychotics and sleeping tablets. My methods haven’t worked, needless to say, so I am trying to try something new.
So far, something new looks like this: less medication and less alcohol, and efforts towards a more holistic approach to self care. Although I thought I’d tried everything, including holistic treatments, it is dawning on me (better late than never) that I have tended to passively receive interventions rather than truly engaging. I have often met both adversity and recovery with the mind of a child.
I am trying to heal myself via nutritional balancing, exercise, creativity, and above all else, learning and discovering through books, articles and podcasts. The process of writing this is supposed to be a cathartic and creative exercise for its own sake, but comes also with the small hope of sharing and connecting.
Some days go better than others, and I’m never sure if the ups or the downs are mine, or if they are symptoms of one or other of my conditions. Or even if there is a difference. Balance is a struggle, as my all or nothing mind hates to do things by halves. So that’s a practice too. I’m trying to do things a little less obsessively, and not get too obsessed by the project!
I chose the name Eve because I like the idea of reclaiming it. I want to rethink ideas about temptation, weakness, seduction and sin as symptoms of oppression and addiction. I chose Estes in honour Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of ‘Women Who Run with the Wolves.’